“It was the best of times it was the worst of times”, seems a fitting quote to describe 2023. We are halfway through 2024 I realize. I did not mean to go completely silent with this blog and I did try and restart many times, but I stopped blogging in a desperate attempt to drop the ”extras” to triage the ever-increasing hurricane that was my life. I made a dreadful mistake (which I readily admit), took the wrong job and learned all sorts of lessons that I wish I could have foregone and ended up in a medical mess from which I am still recovering.
Caveat: Don’t get me wrong, I’m well aware I’m not living in a war zone or fighting for my bodily survival. I am human though and I’m sharing what happened to me in my privileged life.
2023 will live in my memory as a year where I realized and felt fully that what got me “here” won’t take me any further. I would guess that before my surgery and long recovery my quality of daily life was reduced to feeling “well” about 40% of the time.
“The physical effects of stress on the human body are well documented: when your mind is not functioning optimally or is plagued by negative thoughts and emotions, eventually your body will suffer the consequences.”
I’m glad to be enjoying my weekend without the thought of responding to needless and endless emails or dreading Monday. I’m so grateful for my parents who saw me through my surgery and lovingly nursed me back to health. I am in awe of my boyfriend who serves as a walking reminder, “You’re pushing too hard”, “Take care of your mental health”, “Nothing is more important than your being well”, “Take a break”. I am humbled and encouraged by the counsel offered by my best friend, “It is hard for the people who love you, to watch you push the “self-destruct” button time and time again, especially for some people who just don’t care about you.”
I hope you never get where I was. I am SO happy that leaning period is slowly receding from the forefront of my life and I am starting to do things I enjoy and am reconnecting with myself and finding a new rhythm that has made me much happier.
The takeaway? Please listen to life’s whispers and do better before the stress and the momentum of unhappiness show up in ways that are shockingly painful. These are some of the signs I wished I had recognized and paid attention to earlier.
I felt that I was a disappointment to everyone I came into contact with.
I couldn’t sleep for more than 4 hours a night.
I felt unsafe at work.
I stopped running (a favorite mind clearing activity) as my health declined- and my health declined as I stopped running.
I spent all free time in a zombie state (mindlessly scrolling or watching nothing).
I stopped all my extra activities as I felt too exhausted to think about doing them (hence no blog posts).
I fell asleep anytime I sat still and felt safe.
I felt incompetent.
I felt like I couldn’t remember anything, like my mind would just blank on names, things, facts I knew… everything. In my late thirties, I literally thought I had early onset dementia.
I stopped my spiritual practice (which grounds me and keeps me happy).
The disturbing part is that I know the catalyst for all these feelings, and I just kept thinking, if I worked harder and tried harder and did more… if only I was more/better all this will be fixed.
Self-destruct button pressed.
I feel better now. I have ideas about things again! I can’t run but I’m walking most mornings before work. I spent this rainy day with my love laughing at a milk factory in an out of the way Siss village of Einsiedeln. I’ll share all about this little adventure and all the fun we had soon!
I’m different which is good and part of life. I’m much better than I was and slowly but surely each one of the above signs are fading and some have completely disappeared! I remember things now! I’m taking each day as it comes. I worry about falling into the hole again.
How are you? It’s been a long time. Leave a comment below and share as you feel comfortable what’s been going on with you.
Be well - and strive (as always) to Live Well!